Ναυτικά ανέκδοτα

[Angelos]

Δυο φιλενάδες λούγκρες αποφασίζουν να κάνουν νηστεία τη Σαρακοστή.

"Να κάνουμε νηστεία και από το σεξ" λέει η μία, συμφωνεί και η άλλη.

Σε μία εβδομάδα συναντιούνται, αλλά η δεύτερη είναι αγκαζέ με δύο ναύτες.

- "Μωρή δεν είπαμε να κάνουμε νηστεία από το σεξ;" αγανακτεί η πρώτη.

- "Μα αυτά είναι θαλασσινά, μωρή κουλή! Δεν πιάνονται!"

[Angelos]

Why women prefer sailboats to men

A sail boat can go for more than one sail in an hour.

Sail boats never develop spare tires.

Sail boats last longer.

Sail boats don't get you pregnant.

A sail boat doesn't care what time of month it is.

Sail boats don't have parents.

Your sail boat will let you know if something is wrong.

You don't have to kick your sail boat to get it going.

Your sail boat won't judge your friends.

If your sail boat is boisterous, you can buy a muffler.

You won't have to put your sail boat through grad school.

If your sail boat smokes you can do something about it.

Sail boats don't care about how many other sail boats you have sailed.

When sailing, you and your sail boat both arrive at the same time.

Your sail boat won't ogle other sail boats.

Your sail boat won't care if you have a poster of your fantasy

sail boat.

If your sail boat has high mileage, you can just get a new one.

Sail boats don't care about breast size.

If your sail boat is misaligned, you don't have to discuss politics to

correct it.

You don't have to drink beer before your sail boat looks appealing.

You can be proud of your sail boat regardless of the model.

You don't have to go to Tiffany's to register your sail boat.

You can sail a sail boat as long as you want and it won't get limp.

Your parents won't keep in touch with your old sail boat after you dump

it.

Sail boats always feel like going for a sail when you do.

Sail boats don't insult you if you are a novice.

Your sail boat never wants a night out alone with the other sail boats.

You don't have to primp before riding your sail boat.

Your sail boat won't complain when you use protection.

If your sail boat doesn't look good, you can paint it or get better

parts.

Your sail boat won't care if you fake it.

Sail boats are always ready to stop when you are.

Your sail boat doesn't have to show off in front of other sail boats.

Your sail boat won't lie to you.

Your sail boat doesn't care how heavy you are.

In the morning, your sail boat won`t poke you in the back when it wants to go for a sail .

You can turn the seacock off.

Your sail boat won't shrink when it's cold.

If your sail boat motor can't fire up, you can just replace the battery.

You don't have to cook for your sail boat.

Your sail boat can't sail around behind your back.

If your sail boat motor is cold you can choke it.

Your sail boat is always the right size because if it seems too small you can just get a new one.

You can keep photos of your old sail boats.

Your sail boat would rather go for a sail than watch sports.

Your sail boat can go for multiple sails.

Sail boats don't need pick-up lines.

You only have to sail your sail boat when you want to.

Your sail boat won't go for sails by itself.

If baldness occurs, you can replace the paint.

Sail boats don't snore.

[Angelos]

definitions

Anchor:

Any of a number of heavy, hook-shaped devices that is dropped over the side of the boat on the end of a length of rope and/or chain, and which is designed to hold a vessel securely in place until (a) the wind exceeds 2 knots, ( the owner and crew depart, or © 3 a.m.

Bar:

Long, low-lying navigational hazard, usually awash, found at river mouths and harbour entrances, where it is composed of sand or mud, and ashore, where it is made of mahogany or some other dark wood. Sailors can be found in large numbers around both.

Berth:

Any horizontal surface whose total area does not exceed one half of the surface area of an average man at rest, onto which at least one liter of some liquid seeps during any 12-hour period and above which there are not less than 10 kilograms of improperly secured objects.

B.O.A.T.:

Break Out Another Thousand.

Boom:

Laterally mounted pole to which a sail is fastened. Often used during jibing to shift crew members to a fixed, horizontal position.

Burdened Vessel:

The boat which, in a collision situation, did not have the right-of-way. See PRIVILEGED VESSEL.

Captain:

See FIGUREHEAD

Canvas:

An abrasive sailcloth used to remove excess skin from knuckles

Caulk:

Any one of a number of substances introduced into the spaces between planks in the hull and decking of a boat that give a smooth, finished appearance while still permitting the passage of a significant amount of seawater.

Chock:

Sudden and usually unpleasant surprise suffered by Spanish seaman.

Circuit Breaker:

An electromechanical switching unit intended to prevent the flow of electricity under normal operating conditions and, in the case of a short circuit, to permit the electrification of all conductive metal fittings throughout the boat. Available at most novelty shops.

Club, Yacht Club, Racing Association:

Troublesome seasonal accumulation in costal areas of unpleasant marine organisms with stiff necks and clammy extremities. Often present in large numbers during summer months when they clog inlets, bays, and coves, making navigation almost impossible. The infestations are most serious along the coasts of Connecticut, Massachusetts, and Maine. They can be effectively dislodged with dynamite, but, alas, archaic federal laws rule out this option.

Crew:

Heavy, stationary objects used on shipboard to hold down charts, anchor cushions in place and dampen sudden movements of the boom.

Cruising:

Waterborne pleasure journey embarked on by one or more people. A cruise may be considered successful if the same number of individuals who set out on it arrive, in roughly the same condition they set out in, at some piece of habitable dry land, with or without the boat.

Current:

Tidal flow that carries a boat away from its desired destination, or toward a hazard.

Distress Signals:

International signals which indicate that a boat is in danger. For example, in American waters: the sudden appearance of lawyers, the pointing of fingers, and repression of memories; in Italian waters: moaning, weeping, and wild gesticulations; in French waters: fistfights, horn blowing, and screamed accusations; in Spanish waters: boasts, taunts, and random gunfire; in Irish waters: rhythmic grunting, the sound of broken glass, and the detonation of small explosive devices; in Japanese waters: shouted apologies, the exchange of calling cards, and minor self-inflected wounds; and in English waters: doffed hats, the burning of toast, and the spilling of tea.

Engine:

Sailboats are equipped with a variety of engines, but all of them work on the internal destruction principle, in which highly machined parts are rapidly converted into low-grade scrap, producing in the process energy in the form of heat, which is used to boil bilge water; vibration, which improves the muscle tone of the crew; and a small amount of rotational force, which drives the average size sailboat at sppeds approaching a furlong per fortnight.

Equator:

A line circling the earth at a point equidistant from both poles which separates the oceans into the North Danger Zone and the South Danger Zone.

Etiquette:

Marine custom establishes a code of social behavior and nautical courtesy for every conceivable occasion. Thus, for example, a boat belonging to another boatman is always referred to as a "scow", a "tub", or a "pig-boat". When one skipper goes aboard another's boat, he does not hesitate to tell him frankly about any drawbacks or disadvantages he finds in comparison to his own craft. Sailors welcome every opportunity to improve their vessels, and so he knows that his remarks will be greatly appreciated. When one sailboat passes another, it is customary for the captain of the passing boat to make a bladderlike sound with his lips and tongue, and for the captain of the passed boat to return the courtesy by offering a smart salute consisting of a quick upward movement of the right hand with the second digit extended.

Figurehead:

Decorative dummy found on sailboats. See CAPTAIN.

Flag:

Any of an number of signalling pennants or ensigns, designed to be flown upside down, in the wrong place, in the wrong order, or at an inappropriate time.

Fuel:

Sailboats without auxiliary engines do not require fuel as such, but an adequate supply of a pale yellow carbonated beverage with a 10 percent to 12 percent alcohol content is essential to the operation of all recreational craft.

Galley:

1. Ancient: Aspect of seafaring associated with slavery

2. Modern: Aspect of seafaring associated with slavery

Gimbals:

Movable mountings often found on shipboard lamps, compasses, etc., which provide dieting passengers an opportunity to observe the true motions of the ship in relation to them, and thus prevent any recently ingested food from remaining in their digestive systems long enought to be converted into unwanted calories.

Hazard:

1. Any boat over 2 feet in length. 2. The skipper of any such craft. 3. Any body of water. 4. Any body of land within 100 yards of any body of water.

Leadership:

In maritime use, the ability to keep persons on board ship without resorting to measures which substantially violate applicable state and federal statutes

Leak:

A situation calling for LEADERSHIP

Life Preserver:

Any personal flotation device that will keep an individual who has fallen off a vessell above water long enough to be run over by it or another rescue craft.

Marina:

Commercial dock facility. Among the few places, under admiralty law, where certain forms of piracy are still permitted, most marinas have up-to-date facilities for the disposal of excess amounts of U.S. currency that may have accumulated on board ship, causing a fire hazard.

Mile (Nautical):

A relativistic measure of surface distance over water - in theory, 6076.1 feet. In practice, a number of different values for the nautical mile have been observed while under sail, for example: after 4 p.m., approximately 40,000 feet; in winds of less than 5 knots, about 70,000 feet; and during periods of threatening weather in harbor approaches, around 100,000 feet.

Mooring:

The act of bringing a boat to a complete stop in a relatively protected coastal area in such a fashion that it can be sailed away again in less than one week's time by the same number of people who moored it without heavy equipment and no more than $100 in repairs.

Passenger:

A form of movable internal ballast which tends to accumulate on the leeward side of sailboats once sea motions commence.

Points:

Traditional units of angular measurement from the viewpoint of someone on board a vessel. They are: Straight ahead of you, right up there; Just a little to the right of the front; Right next to that thing up there; Between those two things; Right back there, look; Over that round doohickey; Off the right corner; Back over there; and Right behind us.

Porthole:

A glass-covered opening in the hull designed in such a way that when closed (while at sea) it admits light and water, and when open (while at anchor) it admits, light, air, and insects (except in Canadian waters, where most species are too large to gain entry in this manner).

Pratique:

Technical maritime term for customs procedure on entering foreign waters. When passing through customs, particularly in the tropics - the most common foreign destination for American pleasure craft - it is customary to display a small amount of that country's official currency in a conspicuous place and to transfer it to the officer who examines the boat's documents during the parting handshake. A nice sharp slap on the back as the captain effects the transfer shows he cares about appearances. And it is by no means out of place for the skipper to add a friendly word or two, such as "Here, Sparky, this is for you. Why don't you go out and buy yourself some joy juice and get stupid?" incidentally, these inspectors are justly proud of their educational attainments, and the savvy boat owner can win some fast friends by remarking with surprise and admiration on their ability to read and write.

Privileged Vessel:

The vessel which in a collision was "in the right". If there were witnesses, the owner could bring an admiralty court case - know as a "wet suit" or a "leisure suit" - against the owner of the other boat, and if he proves "shiplash", he could collect a tidy sum.

Propeller:

Underwater winch designed to wind up at high speed any lines or painters left hanging over the stern.

Queeg:

Affectionate slang term for ship's captain

Racing:

Popular nautical contact sport

Rapture of the Deep:

Also known as nautical narcosis. Its symptoms include an inability to use common words, such as up, down, left, right, front, and back, and their substitution with a variety of gibberish which the sufferer believes to make sense; a love of small, dark, wet places; an obsessive desire to be surrounded by possessions of a nautical nature, such as lamps made from running lights and tiny ship's wheels; and a conviction that objects are moving when they are in fact standing still. This condition is incurable.

Rudder:

A large, heavy, vertically mounted, hydrodynamically contoured steel plate with which, through the action of a tiller or wheel, it is possible, during brief intervals, to point a sailing vessel in a direction which, due to a combination of effects caused by tide, current, the force and direction of the wind, the size and angle of the waves, and the shape of the hull, it does not wish to go.

Sextant:

An entertaining, albeit expensive, device, which, together with a good atlas, is of use in introducing the boatman to many interesting areas of the earth's surface which he and his craft are not within 1,000 nautical miles of.

Shipshape:

A boat is said to be shipshape when every object that is likely to contribute to the easy handling of the vessel or the comfort of the crew has been put in a place from which it cannot be retrieved in less than 30 minutes.

Shower:

Due to restricted space, limited water supplies, and the difficulty of generating hot water, showers on board ship are quite different from those taken ashore. Although there is no substitute for direct experience, a rough idea of a shipboard shower can be obtained by standing naked for two minutes in a closet with a large, wet dog.

Spanner Wrench:

One of the most useful tools for engine repair; in come cases, the only suitable tool. Not currently manufactured.

Spinnaker:

An extremely large, lightweight, balloon-shaped piece of sailcloth frequently trailed in the water off the bow in a big bundle to slow the boat down.

Splice:

Method of joining two ropes by weaving together the individual strands of which they are composed. The resulting connection is stronger than any knot. Splicing is something of an art and takes a while to master. You can work on perfecting your technique at home by practicing knitting a pair of socks or a stocking cap out of a pound or so of well-cooked noodles.

Tack:

To shift the course of a sailboat from a direction far to the right, say, of the direction in which one wishes to go, to a direction far to the left of it.

Toe:

Stub your "toe"? Well then, it's time to brush up on your nomenclature! In nautical terms, a toe is a catchcleat or snagtackle. A few others: head - boomstop; leg - bruisefast; and hand - blistermitten.

Uniform:

As worn by yacht club members and other shore hazards, a distinctive form of dress intended to be visible at a distance of at least 50 meters which serves to warn persons in the vicinity of the long winds and dense masses of hot air associated with these tidal bores.

Vang:

Name of German sea dog.

Varnish:

High-fiction coating applied as a gloss over minor details in personal nautical recollections to improve their audience-holding capacity over frequent retellings.

Weather Helm:

Marked tendency of a sailboat to turn into the wind, even when the rudder is centered. This is easily countered by wedging a heavy object against the tiller. See CREW.

Wharf:

Sound made by Vang when he wishes to be fed.

Whelk:

Sound made by Vang to show that he doesn't like that dry, lumpy dog food you put in his dish.

Whip:

Useful accessory if that dry, lumpy dog food is all you happen to have on board.

Yacht Broker:

Form of coastal marine life found in many harbours in the Northern Hemisphere generally thought to occupy a position on the evolutionalry scale above algae, but somewhat below the cherrystone clam.

Yawl:

Southern version of ahoy.

Zeyphyr:

A warm, pleasant breeze named after the mythical Greek god of wishful thinking, false hopes, and unreliable forecasts.

[Angelos]

The Mechanic

A gynecologist was getting sick of his job and decided that he needed a career change. He'd always enjoyed tinkering with engines so thought he'd become a marine diesel mechanic.

So he went along to marine mechanics school and the final test was to strip the diesel engine completely and reassemble it - obviously back into perfect working order. So our gynecologist friend did the test and anxiously awaited the result.

The day he received the results he got quite a surprise, he got 150%! He quickly phoned the instructor and queried the mark.

The instructor said, "No no that's right. First I gave you 50% for stripping down the engine-a very thorough job. Next I gave you 50% for reassembling it - a fantastic job really. Then I gave you a 50% bonus for doing it all through the exhaust port."

[Angelos]

Πραγματικός διάλογος μέσω ραδιοεπικοινωνίας που έγινε τον Οκτώβριο του 1995 μεταξύ ενός αμερικανικού πολεμικού σκάφους και Καναδών, στα ανοικτά των ακτών της Νέας Γης :

ΚΑΝΑΔΟΙ: “Παρακαλούμε, αλλάξτε την πορεία σας κατά 15 μοίρες νότια, για ν' αποφύγετε σύγκρουση...”

ΑΜΕΡΙΚΑΝΟΙ: “Συνιστούμε ν' αλλάξτε εσείς την πορεία σας, 15 μοίρες βόρεια, για ν' αποφύγετε σύγκρουση...”

ΚΑΝΑΔΟΙ: “Αρνητικό. Πρέπει εσείς να αλλάξετε την πορεία σας...”.

ΑΜΕΡΙΚΑΝΟΙ:“Σας ομιλεί ο κυβερνήτης αμερικανικού πολεμικού σκάφους, επαναλαμβάνω αλλάξτε αμέσως την πορεία σας”

ΚΑΝΑΔΟΙ: “Αρνητικό. Αλλάξτε εσείς την πορεία σας...”.

ΑΜΕΡΙΚΑΝΟΙ: “Είμαστε το αεροπλανοφόρο "USS LINKOLN" το δεύτερο μεγαλύτερο σκάφος του αμερικανικού στόλου Ατλαντικού! Συνοδευόμαστε από τρία αντιτορπιλικά, τρία καταδρομικά και μεγάλο αριθμό πλοίων συνοδείας! Σας διατάζω ν' αλλάξτε την πορεία σας, αλλιώς θα ληφθούν εναντίον σας μέτρα για να διασφαλισθεί η ασφάλεια του σκάφους...”.

ΚΑΝΑΔΟΙ: “Σας ομιλεί... φάρος! Kάντε ό,τι νομίζετε...”

[Angelos]

Το τεράστιο πετρελαιοφόρο διασχίζει τον ωκεανό. Το ταξίδι είναι πολυήμερο και στο τυπικά ανδρικό πλήρωμα υπάρχει αυτή τη φορά και μια γυναίκα. Η παρουσία της δεσποινίδας - ασυνήθιστη καθώς είναι - έχει δημιουργήσει περίεργες καταστάσεις...

Τις πρώτες μέρες όλα κυλάνε ήρεμα, ο αντρικός πληθυσμός ήρεμος κι ευγενικός.

Τις επόμενες μέρες κάποιοι μικρό-εκνευρισμοί. Έχει μπει η τρίτη εβδομάδα και τα πρώτα ξεσπάσματα προμηνύουν θύελλα...

Την κατάσταση προσπαθεί να προλάβει ο πλοίαρχος. Μαζεύει τα αρσενικά μέλη του πληρώματος και τους λέει:

"Κύριοι, μετά από τόσες μέρες η κυρία αισθάνεται ανία και για να σας φύγει ο πειρασμός που είναι μόνη της αποφάσισα να τη φλερτάρω εγώ σαν πλοίαρχος."

"Τι !", πετάγεται ο θερμόαιμος Ιταλός, "υπάρχει Ιταλός επάνω στο πλοίο και θα δοκιμάσει άλλος να φλερτάρει; Δεν θα είστε καλά!"

"Κύριοι, σας παρακαλώ", πετάγεται ο Γάλλος, "το φλερτ, ως γνωστόν, είναι ειδικότητα των Γάλλων." Ο καβγάς δεν αργεί να ανάψει. Κάθε ένας, για τους δικούς του λόγους υποστηρίζει ότι το φλερτάρισμα είναι προσωπική του υπόθεση. Σ' όλο αυτό το διάστημα ο Έλληνας, αδιάφορος, μασουλάει πασατέμπο και αγναντεύει το πέλαγος. Εκνευρισμένος ο πλοίαρχος του φωνάζει: "Εσύ δεν ενδιαφέρεσαι να φλερτάρεις την κυρία;" "Τι να σας πω κύριε πλοίαρχε, τρεις εβδομάδες τώρα την πη***ω. Αν θέλετε όμως τη φλερτάρω κιόλας.

[Angelos]

Μια ξανθιά Σουηδέζα που είχε έρθει στην Ελλάδα για διακοπές, θέλει να γυρίσει στην πατρίδα της αλλά δεν έχει καθόλου χρήματα.

Γνωρίζει τυχαία κάποιο ναυτικό, ο οποίος της υπόσχεται να την πάρει μαζί του στο πλοίο που δουλεύει και να την κατεβάσει στη Σουηδία, χωρίς να πληρώσει εισιτήριο. Με μια προϋπόθεση: σε κάθε λιμάνι που θα πιάνουν, εκείνη θα πρέπει να κάθεται να την πηδάει.

Την παίρνει λοιπόν μαζί του στο καράβι, τη βάζει στην καμπίνα του και σε λίγο το πλοίο φεύγει.

Μετά από λίγη ώρα το πλοίο σφυρίζει, ακούγεται η άγκυρα που κατεβαίνει και η Σουηδέζα βλέπει από το φινιστρίνι το πλοίο να μπαίνει σε λιμάνι. Μετά από λίγο το πλοίο αναχωρεί και έρχεται ο ναυτικός στη καμπίνα να πηδήξει τη Σουηδέζα, όπως συμφώνησαν.

Δεν είχαν περάσει 15' από το πήδημα και είχαν πιάσει πάλι λιμάνι. Μόλις το πλοίο αναχώρησε ο ναυτικός γύρισε πάλι στην καμπίνα και την πηδάει για δεύτερη φορά. Κάθε 1/2 ώρα έπιαναν λιμάνι και ο ναυτικός γύριζε στην καμπίνα για να εισπράξει από τη Σουηδέζα. Η συμφωνία-συμφωνία.

Αυτό συνεχίστηκε όλη την ημέρα. Κάποια στιγμή η Σουηδέζα άρχισε να κουράζεται. 'Δεν είναι δυνατόν', σκεφτόταν, 'τόσα πηδήματα σε μια μέρα; Μέχρι να φτάσουμε στη Σουηδία θα έχω πεθάνει!' Και αποφασίζει να ρωτήσει τον καπετάνιο, αφού ο ναυτικός απέφευγε να της απαντήσει.

- Πόσα λιμάνια είναι, καπετάνιε, μέχρι τη Σουηδία;

- Δεν ξέρω, κοπέλα μου. Δεν έχω πάει ποτέ. Εγώ χρόνια τώρα κάνω μόνο Ρίο-Αντίρριο!

[Angelos]

Σε ένα καράβι, δούλευε ένας υπερβολικά κοντός μούτσος. Ηταν μόλις 30 πόντους. Ο καπετάνιος λές και τον μισούσε. Τον κακομεταχειριζόταν συνεχώς και τον έβαζε να κάνει όλες τις βρωμοδουλειές και τις αγγαρείες. Ηταν φυσικό και ο μούτσος να τον έχει μισήσει θανάσιμα τον καπετάνιο του. Εψαχνε λοιπόν μια ευκαιρία να τον εκδικηθεί.

Το όνειρό του θα γινόταν πραγματικότητα, όταν ο μούτσος βρήκε σε μια ξεχασμένη γωνιά του αμπαριού, κατά την διάρκεια μιας αγγαρείας που τον είχε υποχρεώσει ο καπετάνιος να κάνει, ένα μαγικό λυχνάρι. Τρίβοντάς το, εμφανίζεται το τζίνι. Αμέσως κάνει την ευχή του. "Θέλω να μου δώσεις 30.000 λίρες για να αγοράσω το πλοίο και να βάλω τον καπετάνιο να κάνει όλες τις βρωμοδουλειές που μέχρι τώρα κάνω εγώ", λέει χωρίς δισταγμό στο τζίνι.

Πέφτει για ύπνο και την επόμενη το πρωί, ξυπνάει και βλέπει γύρω του ένα τεράστιο βουνό από 30.000 μπύρες. Τον πιάνει το παράπονο και πάει στον καπετάνιο και του περιγράφει το σκηνικό. Πώς βρήκε το λυχνάρι και πως έκανε την ευχή. Στο τέλος με παράπονο τον ρωτάει:

-Mα καλά,καπετάνιο, κουφό είναι αυτό το τζίνι;

-Εσύ τι λές βρε ηλίθιε; Λες να χρειαζόμουν ποτέ έναν μούτσο 30 πόντους;

[Angelos]

Γιατί οι Πόντιοι μόλις σταματήσει το πλοίο πέφτουν στη θάλασσα;

Για να το σπρώξουν!

[Angelos]

Δυο φίλοι περιμένουν στο λιμάνι για το πλοίο, να παν διακοπές.

Ξαφνικά ρωτάει ο μεγάλος τον μικρό:

-Προφυλακτικά πήραμε;

-Όχι, ούτε δραμαμίνες πήραμε.

-Τι κάθεσαι τότε; Τρέχα να πάρεις όσο προλαβαίνουμε.

Πάει ο δεύτερος στο περίπτερο και γυρίζει μ ένα προφυλακτικό και μια

δραμαμίνη.

-Με δουλεύεις, ρε; του λέει ο άλλος. Τι θα μας κάνει μια δραμαμίνη κι ένα

προφυλακτικό; Τράβα πάρε πιο πολλά.

Ξαναπάει ο άλλος, επιστρέφει με ένα προφυλακτικό και μια δραμαμίνη ακόμα.

Τσατίζεται ο φίλος του.

-Καλά μαλάκας είσαι; Τράβα πάρε προφυλακτικά ρε, ένα ένα τα παίρνεις;

-Ασε να περάσει λίγη ώρα και θα πάω πιο ύστερα.

-Γιατί;

-Ο περιπτεράς με κοιτάζει παράξενα.

Σε λίγη ώρα αποφασισμένος πάει πάλι στο περίπτερο.

-Δυο κουτιά προφυλακτικά κι ένα κουτί δραμαμίνης, λέει.

Κι ο περιπτεράς:

-Αφού σε ζαλίζει, γιατί επιμένεις

[Angelos]

Το πλοίο φθάνει στο λιμάνι. Βγαίνουν όλοι οι ναύτες εκτός από έναν.

- "Γιατί μόνος; Δεν έχεις γυναίκα στο λιμάνι;", του λέει ο πλοίαρχος.

- "΄Ισα-ίσα!", είμαι ο μόνος που έχω καπετάνιε μου.

[Angelos]

Σ` ένα πλοίο, φωνάζει κάποια στιγμή αυτός που παρατηρεί από το κατάρτι:

- "Πειρατές μπροστά μας."

Αμέσως, φωνάζει ο καπετάνιος σ` έναν μούτσο:

- "Πήγαινε κάτω στην καμπίνα μου και φέρε το κόκκινο μου το παντελόνι. Σε περίπτωση που πληγωθώ στο πόδι, να μη το καταλάβει το πλήρωμα και φοβηθεί."

- "Εντάξει καπετάνιο", λέει ο μούτσος.

Μετά από μερικές μέρες, φωνάζει πάλι αυτός από το κατάρτι:

- "Μας έχουν περικυκλώσει 10 πλοία πειρατών."

Και αμέσως λέει ο καπετάνιος σ` ένα μούτσο:

- "Πήγαινε φέρε μου το καφέ μου παντελόνι, σε παρακαλώ..."

[Angelos]

Ένας Σκωτσέζος βρίσκεται σε ένα πλοίο . Ξαφνικά ακούγεται η σειρήνα και μια φωνή από τα μεγάφωνα που λέει ότι το πλοίο βουλιάζει . ΄Όλοι οι επιβάτες τρέχουν προς τις βάρκες , ενώ ο Σκωτσέζος χαρούμενος στρέφει το βλέμμα του στον ουρανό και λέει :

- Σε ευχαριστώ Θεέ μου ! ΄Ενας ναύτης που τον βλέπει του λέει :

- Καλά , ρε φίλε , τρελός είσαι ; Εδώ βουλιάζουμε κι εσύ ευχαριστείς το Θεό για αυτό ;

- Μάλιστα κύριέ μου . Δοξάζω το Θεό που με έκανε να μη βγάλω εισιτήριο με επιστροφή !

[Angelos]

Πεθαίνουνε ένας δάσκαλος, ένας σκουπιδιάρης κι ένας δικηγόρος και πάνε στον Παράδεισο. Στην πόρτα τους σταματάει ο αγιος Πέτρος και τους λέει:

-Για να μπείτε μέσα πρέπει να απαντήσετε σωστά σε μια πολύ απλή ερώτηση.

Ρωτάει πρώτα το δάσκαλο:

-Ποιο είναι το όνομα εκείνου του πλοίου, που προσέκρουσε σε παγόβουνο και πήρε στο βυθό πολλούς ανθρώπους;

-Τιτανικός, λέει ο δάσκαλος κι ο αγιος Πέτρος του επιτρέπει την είσοδο.

-Πόσοι άνθρωποι πνίγηκαν σ εκείνο το ναυάγιο; ρωτάει το σκουπιδιάρη.

-1286, λέει ο σκουπιδιάρης στην κουτουράδα.

-Σωστά, λέει ο άγιος και τον αφήνει να μπει, και στρεφόμενος προς το δικηγόρο, λέει:

-Ονόματα και διευθύνσεις των θυμάτων παρακαλώ!

[Angelos]

Είναι στην παραλία πατέρας και γιός και στο χάος περνάει ένα πλοίο

-Μπαμπά, πλοίο είναι αυτό;

-Οχι, αγόρι μου δεν βλέπεις πόσο μεγάλο είναι; Υπερωκεάνιο είναι!

-Σοβαρά, εεε; Και πως γράφεται;

-Χμμμ, έχεις δίκιο, πλοίο είναι...

[Angelos]

The Pirate Way

A sailor meets a pirate in a bar, and they take turns recounting their adventures at sea. Noting the pirate's peg-leg, hook, and eye patch The sailor asks "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?"

The pirate replies "We was caught in a monster storm off the cape and a giant wave swept me overboard. Just as they were pullin' me out, a school of sharks appeared and one of 'em bit me leg off".

"Blimey!" said the sailor. "What about the hook"?

"Ahhhh...", mused the pirate, "We were boardin' a trader ship, pistols blastin' and swords swingin' this way and that. In the fracas me hand got chopped off."

"Zounds!" remarked the sailor. "And how came ye by the eye patch"?

"A seagull droppin' fell into me eye", answered the pirate.

"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked incredulously.

"Well..." said the pirate, "..it was me first day with the hook."

Singing Sailors

Q: Why do opera singers make good sailors?

A: Because they can handle high seas. (high C's)

True Stories of a Stiletto Owner!

The Stiletto catamaran looks kinda funny when on it's trailer because of the way it telescopes down to 8' from 14'. Well one day while trailoring it, I happen to pull in to a gas station when a young boy came up to me and asked "Hey, is this your boat?" I replied "Well yes!". Kinda excited and proud to say it was. The young boy then asked, "Then who does the other one belong to?".

From: Guy Grafius

Gordon Died

Gordon died. So Susan went to the local paper to put a notice in the obituaries. The gentleman at the counter, after offering his condolences, asked Susan what she would like to say about Gordon.

Susan replied, "You just put, 'Gordon died.'"

The gentleman, somewhat perplexed, said, "That's it? Just 'Gordon died?'

Surely, there must be something more you'd like to say about Gordon. If it's money you're concerned about, the first five words are free. We really should say something more."

So Susan pondered for a few minutes and finally said, "O.K., then. You put 'Gordon died. Sailboat for sale.'"

The Islander

The purpose of work.....???

The American businessman was at the pier of a small South Pacific Island village when a small proa with just one fisherman docked. Inside the small proa was a dorrado several large grouper. The American complimented the Islander on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them.

The Islander replied, "Only a little while."

The American then asked why didn't he stay out longer and catch more fish?

The Islander said he had enough to support his family's immediate needs.

The American then asked, "But what do you do with the rest of your time?"

The fisherman said, "I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take a late afternoon nap with my wife, Helia, stroll into the village each evening where I sip rum and play guitar with my friends, I have a full and busy life."

The American scoffed, "I am a Harvard MBA and could help you. You should spend more time fishing and with the proceeds, buy a bigger boat with the proceeds from the bigger boat you could buy several boats, eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling your catch to a middleman you would sell directly to the processor, eventually opening your own cannery. You would control the product, processing and distribution. You would need to leave this small fishing village and move to Australia, then LA and eventually NYC where you will run your expanding enterprise."

The South Seas fisherman asked, "But, how long will this all take?"

To which the American replied, "15-20 years."

"But what then?"

The American laughed and said that's the best part. "When the time is right you would announce an IPO and sell your company stock to the public and become very rich, you would make millions."

"Millions, really? Then what?"

The American said, "Then you would retire. Move to a small fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take a late afternoon nap with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings here you could sip rum and play your guitar with your friends."

[Angelos]

The Admiral.

A Navy Admiral (*which Navy will go unspecified) was being court-martialed for an incident where he was found to be chasing a young lady through the hallways of the hotel in which they were both staying.

Neither of them were wearing anything. One of the charges was that of "being out of uniform."

The Admiral's lawyer argued that the officer was not out of uniform, as the regulations read: "A Naval officer must be at all times be appropriately attired for the activity in which he is engaged."

The Admiral was acquitted.

A sailor ashore after 9 month at sea.

A sailor who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest. The sailor's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes, the sailor turned to the priest and asked,

"Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"

"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man."

"Well, I'll be damned," the sailor muttered, returning to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the seaman and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the pope does."

Captain Bravo.

Long ago there lived a brave seafarer named Captain Bravo. He was a courageous man who showed no fear in facing his enemies. One day, while sailing the seven seas, a look-out spotted a pirate ship, and the crew became frantic. Captain Bravo bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt." The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, and, after donning the shirt, the captain led his crew into battle and defeated the pirates.

Later on, the look-out spotted not one, but two pirate ships. The captain again howled for his red shirt and once again vanquished the pirates. That evening, all the men sat around on the deck recounting the day's triumphs, and one of them asked the captain: "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before each battle?" The captain replied: "If I am wounded in the attack, my crew won't notice my bleeding and will continue to fight, unafraid." All of the men sat in silence and marveled at the courage of their captain.

As dawn came the next morning, the look-out spotted not one, not two, but TEN pirate ships approaching. The rank and file all stared at the captain and waited for his usual request. Captain Bravo almly shouted: "Bring me my brown pants!"

God's help.

A guy is in a sailboat on the ocean when a storm comes up. A powerboat pulls up to him and offers to tow him to safety. He says "I am a devout man, I know that God will save me - you go ahead into shore."

The storm gets a worse. A coast guard patrol boat pull up to him and offers to tow him to safety. He says again "I am a devout man, I know that God will save me - you go ahead into shore."

The storm is getting terrible now - waves splash over his little boat. A helicopter comes out hovering over the boat and drops a ladder down to the man. He waves them off, saying again "I am a devout man, I know that God will save me"

The storm rages out of control, the man is swept off the boat and drowns. Being a devout man, he goes up to heaven - where he meets God. He asks of God: "I have worshipped you all my life, yet you did not save me from the storm, why?" God replies: "Dumbass. I sent a powerboat to get you, I sent the Coast Guard to get you, I sent helicopters out to save you...."

Jumper Cables.

A guy brings his boat up to a restaurant dock to eat lunch. The dock hand says "I'm sorry, sir, but I can't let you dine here today. This establishment has a neck tie policy, and you are not wearing one.

The guy says "Of course I don't have a tie on, I'm on a boat!" "Well, go down below and put one on" "I don't HAVE one!" The dock hand, not wanting to turn away a customer, says "Well, why don't you just find something that approximates a tie. That should be O.K."

After some time, the boater comes out with a pair of jumper cables. "This is all I could find"

Sighing, the deck hand says "OK, I'll let you in with those, but just don't start anything"

The Thirsty Sailor.

A thirsty sailor runs from his boat to the nearest bar and shouts to the bartender, "Give me twenty shots of your best scotch, quick!"

The bartender pours out the shots, and the sailor drinks them as fast as he can.

The bartender is very impressed and exclaims, "Wow. I never saw anybody drink that fast."

The sailor replies, "Well, you'd drink that fast too, if you had what I have."

The bartender says, "Oh my God! What is it? What do you have ?"

"Fifty cents !"

The Scuba Diver.

One day, a scuba diver was enjoying the aquatic world 20 feet below sea level. Looking around, he saw a guy at the same depth without any scuba gear on, so, he decided to go down another 20 feet.

He took another look around, and low and behold, there was the same guy. I can't believe it, thought the scuba diver, I bet he can't go down another 25 feet.

So the diver goes down another 25 feet and, again, there is the guy! Totally amazed, the scuba diver pulls out a chalkboard and writes, "How the heck are you able to go so deep and stay under so long without any equipment?"

The guy grabs the chalkboard and writes, "I'm drowning you moron!"

Reflecting on the Past.

An old sea captain was sitting on a bench near the wharf when a young man walked up and sat down. The young man had spiked hair and each spike was a different color.... green, red, orange, blue, and yellow.

After a while the young man noticed that the captain was staring at him.

"What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?

The old captain replied, "Got drunk once and married a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son!"

The Sand Bar.

A sailor, after running aground on a sand bar, paid a passing fisherman fifty dollars to pull him off with his boat.

After he was off the bar, he said to the fisherman, "At those prices, I should think you could make a real living pulling people off night and day."

"Can't," replied the fisherman. "At night I haul sand for the bar."

The Sand Bar.

A sailor, after running aground on a sand bar, paid a passing fisherman fifty dollars to pull him off with his boat.

After he was off the bar, he said to the fisherman, "At those prices, I should think you could make a real living pulling people off night and day."

"Can't," replied the fisherman. "At night I haul sand for the bar."

Stiletto.

The Stiletto catamaran looks kinda funny when on it's trailer because of the way it telescopes down to 8' from 14'.

Well one day while trailering it, I happen to pull in to a gas station when a young boy came up to me and asked "Hey, is this your boat?"

I replied "Well yes!". Kinda excited and proud to say it was.

The young boy then asked, "Then who does the other one belong to?".

From: Guy Grafius

Stowaway.

A young woman was very depressed and decided to end it all by throwing herself into the ocean. Just as she was about to do so though, a young handsome sailor ran down to the shore and talked her out of it. "Look, you are young. There is so much you could do with you life." said the sailor. "In fact, my ship is sailing for Europe in the morning. I'll smuggle you on board and make sure you have plenty of food. If you'll just help me pass the lonely evening hours, I will get you over to Europe where you can start a new life."

That sounded great to the young women and took up living secretly in a room on board ship. Every evening the sailor would bring her some food and the two would spend the night together.

After about a week of this though, the ship's captain discovered the woman hiding in the sailor's cabin. "What are you doing in here?" asked the captain. "Well, I have a deal with one of your sailors. He is smuggling me over to Europe, and he's screwing me."

"I'll say!" replied the captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."

[Angelos]

Skoal

Two Swedish guys get off a ship and head for the nearest bar.

Each one orders two whiskeys and immediately downs them. They then order two more whiskeys a piece and quickly throw them back. They then order another two a piece. One of the men picks up one of his drinks, and, turning to the other man, says, "Skoal!"

The other man turns to the first and says, "Hey, did you come here to talk, or did you come here to drink?"

A Sailor's Parrot

This fella has a dock mate going out of town for Thanksgiving and accepts the job of watching his parrot over the holiday. Problem is, this parrot swears like a sailor, and this guy's a quiet, conservative type and before long the bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy. It's now the day before Thanksgiving, and he's having guests over! The guy snaps and grabs the bird, shakes him and yells, "QUIT IT!!!" This, of course, just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever. Then the guy gets mad and says, "OK for you!" and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet. This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of vulgarities that would make a veteran sailor blush!

At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer. For the first few seconds there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly gets very quiet. At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door. The bird calmly climbs onto the man's outstretched arm and says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you old chap. I will do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on."

The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation that has come over the parrot. "So, by the way," the parrot says, looking nervously back towards the freezer, "what did the turkey do?"

Shipwrecked

There was this male engineer, on a cruise ship in the Caribbean for the first time. It was wonderful, the experience of his life. He was being waited on hand an foot. But, it did not last. A Hurricane came up unexpectedly. The ship went down almost instantly.

The man found himself, he knew not how, swept up on the shore of an island. There was nothing else anywhere to be seen. No person, no supplies, nothing. The man looked around. There were some bananas and coconuts, but that was it. He was desperate, and forlorn, but decided to make the best of it. So for the next four months he ate bananas, drank coconut juice and mostly looked to the sea mightily for a ship to come to his rescue.

One day, as he was lying on the beech stroking his beard and looking for a ship, he spotted movement out of the corner of his eye. Could it be true, was it a ship? No, from around the corner of the island came this rowboat. In it was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen, or at least seen in 4 months. She was tall, tanned, and her blond hair flowing in the sea breeze gave her an almost ethereal quality. She spotted him also as he was waving and yelling and screaming to get her attention. She rowed her boat towards him.

In disbelief, he asked, "Where did you come from? How did you get here"?

She said, "I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed on this island when my cruise ship sank"

"Amazing," he said, "I didn't know anyone else had survived. How many of you are there? Where, did you get the rowboat? You must have been really lucky to have a rowboat wash-up with you?"

"It is only me,"she said, "and the rowboat didn't wash up, nothing else did."

"Well then," said the man, "how did you get the rowboat?"

"I made the rowboat out of raw material that I found on the island," replied the woman. "The oars were whittled from Gum tree branches, I wove the bottom from Palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree".

"But, but," asked the man, "what about tools and hardware, how did you do that?"

"Oh, no problem," replied the woman, "on the south side of the island there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I found that If I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools, and used the tools to make the hardware. But, enough of that," she said. "Where do you live?"

At last the man was forced to confess that he had been sleeping on the beach.

"Well, let's row over to my place," she said. So they both got into the rowboat and left for her side of island.

The woman easily rowed them around to a wharf that led to the approach to her place. She tied up the rowboat with a beautifully woven hemp rope. They walked up a stone walk and around a Palm tree, there stood an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.

"It's not much," she said, "but I call it home. Sit down please, would you like to have a drink?"

"No," said the man, "one more coconut juice and I will puke."

"It won't be coconut juice," the woman replied, "I have a still, how about a Pina Colada?" Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepted, and they sat down on her couch to talk.

After a while, and they had exchanged their stories, the woman asked, "Tell me, have you always had a beard?"

"No," the man replied, "I was clean shaven all of my life, and even on the cruise ship".

"Well if you would like to shave, there is a man's razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom." So, the man, no longer questioning anything, went upstairs to the bath room. There in the cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle, two shells honed to a hollow ground edge were fastened on to its end inside of a swivel mechanism. The man shaved, showered and went back down stairs..

"You look great," said the woman, "I think I will go up and slip into something more comfortable." So she did.

And, the man continued to sip his Pina Colada. After a short time, the woman returned wearing fig leafs strategically positioned and smelling faintly of gardenia.

"Tell me," she asked, "we have both been out here for a very long time with no companionship. You know what I mean. Have you been lonely, is there anything that you really miss? Something that all men and woman need.

Something that it would be really nice to have right now."

"Yes there is," the man replied, as he moved closer to the woman while fixing a winsome gaze upon her. "Tell me ... Do you happen to have an Internet connection?"

Alligators

While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting an old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted, "Are there any gators around here?"

"Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!"

Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore. About halfway there he asked the guy, "How'd you get rid of the gators?"

"We didn't do nothin'," the beachcomber said.

"Really?" said the tourist.

The beachcomber added, "The sharks got 'em."

[Angelos]

ena asteio powerpoint arxeiaki ths ta3ews tou 1mb (56arhdes sas proeidopoihsa)

[mpourtzi]

ΤΟ ΚΡΟΥΑΖΙΕΡΟΠΛΟΙΟ

Ταξιδεύει το κρουαζιερόπλοιο, οταν ξαφνικά απο το VHF ακούγεται μια φωνή:

-Κάνε 10 μοίρες αριστερά, για να μην πέσεις επάνω μου!

-Κάνε εσύ 10 μοίρες δεξιά για να μην πέσω απάνω σου! Απαντά το κρουαζιερόπλοιο.

Σιγή δευτερολέπτων.

-Κάνε τώρα 15 μοίρες αριστερά, για να μην πέσεις απάνω μου! Ξανακού-

γεται η φωνή.

-Οχι, να κάνεις εσύ 15 μοίρες δεξιά για να μην πέσω απάνω σου! Ξανααπαντά το κρουαζιερόπλοιο.

Σιγή δευτερολέπτων.

-Κάνε αμέσως 25 μοίρες αριστερά, γιατι θα πέσεις απάνω μου! Ξανακούγεται από το VHF, οπότε πέρνει το μικρόφωνο ο ίδιος ο καπετάνιος:

-Ξέρεις ποιός είμαι εγώ; Το μεγαλύτερο κρουαζιερόπλοιο του κόσμου, το WORLD SEA και καλά θα κάνεις, να κάνεις εσύ 25 μοίρες δεξιά, για να μην πέσω απάνω σου!

-Κι εγώ είμαι ο φάρος!!!

[Angelos]

Το βάζω εδώ γιατί είναι πραγματικά αληθινή ιστορία και ξαναβαζω γιατι μου αρεσουν τα συντομα

Γνωστός φίλου από την Βενεζουέλα ονόμασε την κόρη του Ουσνάβι και λέει ότι το όνομα το σκέφτηκε από μια ταινία που είδε με πλοία στον κινηματογράφο πρόσφατα.

Η ερώτηση είναι πιο πασίγνωστο πλοίο ήταν αυτό που τον ενέπνευσε?

Δεν υπαρχουν πηγες!

[ΝΗΡΕΑΣ]

Δεν υπαρχουν πηγες!

Και φυσικά θέλεις απάντηση

Μήπως είναι εύκολο να μας δώσεις το τηλέφωνο του γνωστού του φίλου σου από την Βενεζουέλα

Έστω του νονού του κοριτσιού

Και μιάς και αυτό δεν είναι κουίζ, αλλά γρίφος, ας τον λύσουμε σαν γρίφο

Μήπως Ουσνάβι=US NAVY ?

Αν ναι, πες και κάτι παραπάνω, γιατί το US NAVY έχει ουκ ολίγα πασίγνωστα πλοία.

.

[Angelos]

Και φυσικά θέλεις απάντηση

Μήπως είναι εύκολο να μας δώσεις το τηλέφωνο του γνωστού του φίλου σου από την Βενεζουέλα

Έστω του νονού του κοριτσιού

Και μιάς και αυτό δεν είναι κουίζ, αλλά γρίφος, ας τον λύσουμε σαν γρίφο

Μήπως Ουσνάβι=US NAVY ?

Αν ναι, πες και κάτι παραπάνω, γιατί το US NAVY έχει ουκ ολίγα πασίγνωστα πλοία.

.

Ω ναι. Η απάντηση είναι US NAVY και ακόμα γελάω!

Μην παιδεύεσαι παραπάνω αυτό ήθελα. Δεν ήταν και δύσκολο για καραβοφιλους.

Πάντως είναι αληθινή ιστορία για αυτό και ήθελα να την μοιραστώ μαζί σας.

[ΝΗΡΕΑΣ]

.

Η έμπνευση "του γνωστού του φίλου σου από την Βενεζουέλα" ήταν συγκλονιστική.

Καλά δεν βρήκε κανένα άλλο όνομα να δώσει στο παιδί του

Ούτε ο Ναύαρχος Νίμιτς δεν το σκέφτηκε αυτό.

Με την ευκαιρία, δεν μας λες και την ταινία?

.

[Angelos]

Δεν ρωτησα πια ταινεια ηταν. Ημουν απασχολημενος να κυλιεμαι στο πατωμα απο τα γελια.

Τιτλο θα βαλω το S/S Essess κλεμμενο απο αλλη ταινια ομως

Ποιος ξερει για πια ταινια μιλαω?